I needed an attitude adjustment

and going to The Lumineers gave me that

For reasons I can’t always articulate, I have the habit of getting in my own way. I get in a funk, and the mere presence of another person can make me dig in deeper. Typically, I have enough self-awareness to separate myself as needed or to talk myself out of it, but sometimes I just get in too deep.

It can be almost out of body, like I know I need to snap out of it and join society, but it takes more than I have sometimes. And that happened just the other day. I tend to believe that people get their energy in one of two ways - from other people or from time alone. I remember reading this and feeling like I finally understood why I am the way I am. I like being with other people, especially my family, but I also can’t exist around people all the time. I feel like my skin becomes itchy, and I just want to scratch my eyes out. I hear snarky shit coming out of my mouth that I wish I could stop but can’t, or won’t. And I need that time alone to get things done, cross things off my list, and just be alone with my thoughts. The older I get, the more I relish the quiet. The absolute silence. And when I don’t have my time to get it together, I know that I am not the best version of myself.

Anyways, long story short. I was in a mood. That feeling of jumping out of my skin was back, and the internal spiral was in full effect. But life does not always allow me the luxury of being alone, so I have to try and be a normal member of society. And that occurred on Thursday, July 3rd.

This was not the reason for my mood, but it certainly didn’t help when I learned on social media that it was National Bereaved Parents’ Day. If I am being honest, it kind of pissed me off. I did a repost, but then the more I thought about it, I was just annoyed by the whole premise. I don’t need another day to feel different, or to accentuate my loss, because really, every day is bereaved parents’ day for those of us who are bereaved. We don’t need a special day to remind us that our kid died.

But I digress. I was on the verge of bagging on The Lumineers concert because all I could think about was lying on my couch in silence, but then I also felt like I would regret it. And then we were Ethan’s DD, and the pre-game was at our house, so the choice was made for me. And to be honest, I love a decision made for me, especially when I am already struggling.

And so we drove the kids and walked around SPAC, which had a good vibe. We ran into a few folks but mostly made our way to our seats, which ended up being fantastic. The Lumineers came on stage, and their energy instantly changed my energy. Their talent, enthusiasm, and passion changed how I felt and how I acted, and I felt the shift and the weight come off me.

Now, I did not know a lot of songs, nor did I even really know if I liked them as a band. Among their first group of songs was one named, Asshole. And I loved it. I loved his intro to the song, I loved the self-awareness and introspection, and I loved the way it made me feel understood.

Towards the end of the show, the lead singer spoke about the difficulty he’s had over the last month. His younger brother died. And it fit for me, it reminded me how we are all connected, and we all have our own stories and live with our struggles. And it is why I have found such solace in opening my world to talking about grief with others. Sometimes you need strangers to make you feel less alone because those in our day-to-day lives are just tired of hearing it.

I left the show lighter. I left it grateful, and I left it feeling less alone. Of all the things I thought I would get from the concert, none of those feelings were remotely on the list.

Thank you, The Lumineers, you have a new fan.