Same Child, Different Grief

What I’ve learned from Brian and other grieving dads

Child loss can feel all-consuming, and at least for me, I know I can be selfish in my grief. Even 15 years later, I still have a hard time sharing my grief. Even with the one person who is experiencing the same loss as me. Brian. Jake’s dad.

While I’ve always known we were in this together, and I remember those early days of grief together very vividly, I think there were many years when I just assumed our grief was the same. I didn’t think about the specifics.

That Brian would never teach Jake to play sports or coach one of his teams, or watch Star Wars with him. Some of those things changed when Jake got sick, but they were forever gone when he died.

And even though we are both parents grieving the same child, our grief often looks and feels different. And it’s made even harder by the emphasis so often placed on the mom. The questions about how mom is coping, without as many questions about how dad is doing.

Talking with dads helped me see this. And the first dad I interviewed for this show was Brian. It was one of the most powerful conversations I’ve had because we talked about things we just hadn’t talked about in a long time.

Every dad I’ve spoken to has reminded me that, just like with so many things, men and women can process grief differently, and that’s okay. But their voices are important, their feelings are valid, and I am grateful for every dad I’ve talked to over the years.

Thanks to Brian, Chuck, Daniel, Rooster, Jeff, Al, Chris, Shaw, and Jim for sharing their stories with me. All episodes are also on the YouTube Playlist

XO,

Heather